I was nothing more than, molded from clay, prayers, and a mamas vision. My story starts at salvation.
At only 6 years of age I walked the aisle to an intimidating alter in belief that Jesus died for every time I disobeyed my mama and daddy. I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and that day, I believed as a child.
So that’s it, that’s where my trials stopped, it’s where a new life began, the easy life, the Christian one, where God guides and directs you before you make the mistakes, so that your consequences won’t be to unbearable. So my salvation story, is that I have no story.
WRONG
Lets jump into scripture about what is foretold within the life of a Christian.
John 16:33 ESV
“ I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
Tribulation- a cause of great trouble or suffering
So the Bible does clearly say you will have tribulation, correct? As we continue with my story from beginning to present, remember those words of wisdom.
Later on that summer of 6 years old, I received the news that the up coming school year, my friends and peers would be moving along, but not I. I would return to the first grade until I could speak and read words correctly. I was put in a class with special helpers to correct me, “today we will correct our pronunciation.” I felt small, insignificant, hiding behind the taller kids in the hallways so the upper classmen wouldn’t see me in school and wonder why I wasn’t in their classes anymore. I was fearful that they would figure out that “I’m just not smart enough to know my ABCs”.
From ages 9-12 I struggled with my salvation. I grew up hearing stories of when God was present to my parents, grandparents, and even my older siblings. I would get discouraged by the tales, cry and question.
“why can’t I hear him?”
I wanted to believe so badly that the Jesus they had spoken and cried about was the same one listening to my prayers, but was he ignoring them? At that age I prayed for childish and insignificant happiness, the stylish clothes, or the cool new shoes that everyone had, I prayed that those tangible things would lead me into the ultimate happiness, popularity.
This adventure closed soon, yet little did I know that the next chapter was higher water to wade through. Middle school.
My mama work 2 jobs, daddy working from sunrise to sunset, yet I was still only offered Walmart brand everything, to conquer first day on a new battle field. Middle school was hard, I tried every trick to find my click. Would cussing make me popular? Sports?
Oh yea social media.
See, I have a love/hate relationship with social media, because I didn’t need it. I will stand by this until the day my children say thank you. Social media at a young age, is bad! It was attention seeking in all the wrong places, I craved and compared. I became angry with myself because Instagram models where beyond reachable. Posting a picture, 1 like, 2 likes, 20 likes. It consumed me far too young. The last thing I needed was my own self esteem to reflect the same mirror of lies I was leading up to.
13, a quite painful picture for me to paint. The year my young heart began to lose its hope in mankind and its kindness. The year that what was just a simple childhood became a tangled complicated existence. A few weeks before Christmas 2016. A man, far from forgettable, somehow, someway felt entitled to my innocence, a part of me that I’ll never be able to hand to my husband in full. My body, mind, and heart was robbed of something, that man could never replace, retrieve, or undo. For seconds of pleasure, he took my innocence from me.
So I endured middle school, every broken promised friendships, every humiliating step I took, and the way I felt enclosed in this shell of what I’m supposed to look like. The way their words rolled off the tounge sharper than knives, oh and how deep they cut, training my mind to confine my worth based off what the scale read. I was a bigger girl, and I have been for the entirety of my life, belittled and mocked for every size that passed a double zero. My teacher was the only person I ran to inside those walls that would reassure me that I was worth the breathe I took advantage of, but my heart sank when that exact same teacher chose the team members for the volleyball team that coming year, and unlike the years passed, I didn’t make it. She knew what I was about to endure on behalf of that small decision. Her reasons were few but her request to see me before she annoced the team, mocked me in the face of someone I once shared my fears with. “It’s not that you aren’t talented, its the way you held yourself like you was already on the team?” So in other words, stand tall, but don’t stand taller. Be confident but be confined. The one thing I felt confident in, was belittled. Everyday forward there was a comment,
“she’d be on the team if she wasn’t so fat.” The next year she left the school, the team made, along with my bed. A bed of bully’s that I faced everyday walking through those doors.
To say the least, I was not excited by any measure for high school. but I endured. This step, was bigger fish to fry. A boyfriend. Now this, I was excited about. He was tall, handsome, and kind. I adored the way he made me feel comfortable in my own skin. Months went by of our puppy love and phone calls yet I began to become rather astonished with his lack of Godly values, my childish heart refused to understand that my values wasn’t his. I judged quickly, and with no maturity; I canned the commitment. I was 14 I didn’t know how to love, teach, or understand.
The beginning of a roller coaster for him and I. We never fully quit speaking, we went on to continue our relationship the next year, dating for two years with the distraction of many unpleasant things. Within this relationship, I was hated by the people he loved most. I was assumed to be everything I am not, belittled, mocked, and treated with the smallest ounce of respect. Hated for my faith, family success, or a “manipulative” trait, sharing the gospel and leading people to the cross. I was never given an explanation. I could never understand why and where they found so much hate for someone they barely knew. We fought so hard. He and I dated for 2 1/2 years before the stress consumed our relationship. We went through an dreadful break up, broken promises, betrayal, and lies spread throughout several towns. I was broken to say the least. I never meant to end it there, but his heart lead him the farthest away from my intentions. The lie continued about me and his loved ones rejoiced. I was out of the picture.
I went on to further my faith at the lowest part of my life. I prayed, I wrote, I mentored. All the while praying for my own mental health, I prayed that God would no longer walk me through troubled waters with a relationship, after all, I still didn’t know how to comprehend how the last one ended so badly. I wrote down a prayer for a guy that would be healthy to my spiritual and mental health. And then, tall, funny, independent, curly hair. There he was, all of the above I thought I had found the one. I loved him the way I knew how to. We were perfect. He was good. But God had different plans in mind for the both of us, so with a lot of troubled and traumatized emotions, we said our goodbyes. I was angry with they way God answered my prayer and then took it away.
Soon after, my family faced the tragic loss of my grandmother, and half of my strength left with her. I watched my mother grieve, my grandfather, and the entirety of my family. Several months later we also laid to rest one of my best friends. Two souls I never got to say goodbye too.
Although my life is just now beginning, the beginning is what matters. I’d like to tell you that these trials that I have described to you, although may be small to others, impacted me deeply, they are things that I have faced that make me who I am. Won’t last forever, but it forms a mindset, it forms your heart, the way you love, the way you receive words of wisdom, and the bricks you add to your walls. I’d like to tell you that all of these things don’t add up to make me who I am, because I don’t want to be identified by the bad, but it took facing it to be identified by the way God allowed me to endure it. My life and story doesn’t stop here, because we turn the page everyday, just to see what happens next.
My next.
I was assigned to a modeling agency about two years ago. I am now an author and publisher on two websites and a New York Times Magazine winner, with an outstanding reading and writing capability. I have held tight, to my mental virginity and innocence, and I will hand my future husband the part of my innocence that I saved by choice. I have a group of friends that judge me based off my character. I am living out my grandmothers legacy, and I am in a full committed relationship with the man that I fell in love with first.
Today you couldn’t tell me that I am less than the ground I walk on, you couldn’t make me believe that a scale determines how I deserve to be loved. You can’t tell me that I am small and insignificant. I will not compete where I do not compare, and that is no where. My feet hit the ground in the morning and the devil stops in his tracks. You can’t tell me that my God isn’t real.
Come hell or highwater, you will never take me back to the place I started.
I am unstoppable. My biggest enemy is me, and even I can’t stop me when I have Thee living inside of me.
Carley Muirhead
WhereMagnoliasGrow